The Security Benevolent Helpline
The Worshipful Company of Security Professionals

Bereavement

Bereavement is normal but it is not easy - there are no rules for getting through it.

The most common stages of grief

Although everyone is different and grieves in their own way some experiences are common when bereaved and it can be helpful to be aware that deep emotions and swift mood changes are normal.

Feeling numb is often the first reaction to loss, the event may seem unreal, something that is not really happening. It may just last a few hours, days, weeks or even longer. This numbness can help some people to cope with the practical things that must be done. However, it may be a problem if it continues for too long.

You may feel a deep yearning for the person who has died, feel fear of being left alone, a longing for all that has gone, maybe find it difficult to concentrate, to relax, to sleep.

Perhaps you will feel agitated or angry at what has happened, at whoever caused or allowed it to happen, at the injustice or senselessness of it all, disappointment for all the plans that cannot be fulfilled.

You may feel regret for things not done; guilty about things you said or didn’t say, or following an accident, for being alive and uninjured.

This period usually gives way to bouts of intense sadness, silence and withdrawal from friends and family. Over time this starts to lessen and you begin to see life in a more positive light again, even though you may never completely overcome the feeling of loss.

The final phase is letting go of the person who has died and moving on. This helps grief to clear and energy levels and sleeping to return to normal.

How long will it last?

Grieving takes time and should never be hurried. How long depends on you and your situation. Generally it takes one to two years to recover from a major bereavement.

How do I cope?

It is common to have some or all of these feelings. They can be very strong and frightening at times. To help you to cope ask for help from friends, family or, maybe, a support group. Talk about how you are feeling - sad, angry, or guilty. Accept that things are beyond your control. Give yourself time and permission to grieve. Major decisions and changes should be avoided, these can be stressful and your judgement may be affected.

What if I am not coping?

Sometimes grieving is especially difficult. Some people find it impossible to acknowledge the bereavement at all. Others are unable to move on thus making it impossible to rebuild their lives.

Some factors can make this more likely:

  • men can find grieving far more difficult
  • several previous bereavements
  • lack of support from friends and family
  • low self esteem
  • a history of mental illness
  • a dependent relationship with the person who has died

Also some circumstances may make this more difficult:

  • sudden or unexpected death
  • the death of a parent when you are young
  • the death of a baby or a miscarriage
  • death involving murder, or more than one death
  • situations involving a post mortem or inquest
  • death where the bereaved may have some responsibility

Where can I get help?

If you are sleeping badly, your GP is able to prescribe a few days supply of sleeping tablets, or anti-depressants if your feelings of depression are worsening.

Other therapies such as bereavement counselling and psychotherapy may also help. You might find it useful to contact a support group where you can talk with others who have been bereaved. Sharing feelings and understanding that others are experiencing similar emotions and difficulties is often helpful in coming to terms with the situation

Other organisations who offer help:

Cruse Bereavement Care

Compassionate Friends – for support following the death of a child

Samaritans

The National Association of Widows

The Security Benevolent 24 Hour Confidential Helpline for members of the security profession only.

If you would like to talk, in confidence, to one of our counsellors please phone 0800 316 0201.